Let's Get Physical

My last four runs:

8/20 = 11’55”

8/30 = 11’40”  (-00’15”)

9/6 = 11’01”  (-00’39”)

9/10 = 10’54”  (-00’07”)

  In the last four runs I have decreased my time by 01’01”! According to the records on Nike+ Men my age should be at 10’49” average and the Nike+ Community of men my age are at 11’46”. I am only 00’06” away from what they say that men my age should be running at and I am currently ahead of the average for other men in my age group on Nike+.

  After a little reading on the web, I think that 10'00" flat will be a very good goal for the end of the year.

All the leaves are falling...

Gilliam + Dark Humor + my favorite season = one of my absolute favorite Monty Python cartoons of all time. LONG LIVE TERRY GILLIAM!

Autumn.

Autumn. Just the word alone makes me feel content. It is that time of the year when you can feel the Earth retreating into it's slumber. The gentle scent of dirt and decay fill the air as leaves fall to the forest floor and continue the cycle of life. The smell of "autumn" spices, like cinnamon, nutmeg and clove, entice us into eating rich, filling meals. The air becomes crisp and cool as warm fires begin to be stoked in hearths. The light of a flame is never as beautiful as it is when lit in the cool Autumn with the fiery colors of Fall in the tress. As Mother Earth enters her slumber and we prepare to pay honor to those who have gone before us... I am filled with sheer awe for the Divine. For me to respect the Divine's creation; it is only through honoring Death that I can truly respect Life. I have always loved Samhien, Halloween, All Hallows Eve, All Saint's Day, Día de los Muertos...

Whatever You're Doing

Whatever You're Doing - Sanctus

It's time for healing time to move on
It's time to fix what's been broken too long
Time make right what has been wrong
It's time to find my way to where I belong
There's a wave that's crashing over me
And all I can do is surrender

Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but somehow there's peace
It's hard to surrender to what I can't see
but I'm giving in to something Heavenly

Time for a milestone
Time to begin again
Reevaluate who I really am
Am I doing everything to follow Your will
Or just climbing aimlessly over these hills
So show me what it is You want from me
I give everything I surrender...
To...

Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but somehow there's peace
It's hard to surrender to what I can't see
but I'm giving in to something Heavenly


Time to face up
Clean this old house
Time to breathe in and let everything out
That I've wanted to say for so many years
Time to release all my held back tears

Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but I believe
You're up to something bigger than me
Larger than life something Heavenly

Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but now I can see
This something bigger than me
Larger than life something Heavenly
Something Heavenly

It's time to face up
Clean this old house
Time breathe in and let everything out

We need...

We need more people like this today.

Striving.

"O' Alas! Alas! Fortunate Child of Buddha Nature,
do not be opressed by the forces of ignorance and delusion,
but rise up now with resolve and courage!
Entranced by ignorance, from beginingless time until now,
you have had more than enough time to sleep!
So do not slumber any longer, but strive after virtue
with body, speech and mind!"

I have been surrounded by the oppression of my own insecurities. Ignorance and delusion have fooled me in to believing less in my self. They have tricked me into believing that I am worth less than the others around me. They have guided me into accepting that I had to stand back for those that could do better than I. They have pushed me into the corner so I could watch life go by. In truth, they are I and I have allowed I to do this to myself. I am a sleeper awakening. I will not allow my self to slumber in the bliss of ignorance any longer.

Divine, please grant me compassion. Not only for those who surround me, but also compassion for myself.

Make It Rain...

"I have no Pride, I have no Shame, you've got to make it Rain" - Make it Rain - Tom Waits

My tears fall like rain, saturating my soul with their release...



Tom says so much here that touches me. Truly there are times in our lives where we have to make it rain. We have to let the tears wash over us an cleanse our souls.

"Without her love, Without your kiss,
Hell can't burn me, More than this.
I'm burning up with all this pain.
Put out the fire, Make it rain!"

When we feel great pain in our lives, whether it be loss, scorn, or any other emotional scar and it feels like the most excrutiating pain in the world. We can think that even Hell can not feel as awful as this. We are stuck letting that pain sweep over our hearts and burn it to ashes. In these moments if we can let the rain fall from not only our eyes, but also from our soul, it can free you from the pain and extinguish the flame in your heart.

Home.

I am having one of those weeks. I am feeling lost and ungrounded. For those who don't know, I have been looking at purchasing my grandparents house from my mom.

First let me tell you about my grandparents house. It is a small two bedroom, one bath cottage style house. I would be very surprised if it has more than 1,200 square feet, if that. Due to the general state of disrepair it is in, it is going to take some TLC to bring it to where I would like it to be. It will need a new HVAC system and some structural touch ups. I am thinking of completely remodeling the kitchen so that it flows with the house better, and conveys my desire to entertain. It is going to be a long hard road to bring the house up to the state that I want it to be in. So why am I so interested in that house? Sounds like it is going to be a lot more work than I have ever expended on a material object.

I love that house. My emotional ties to that house run deeper than I can express in words. It's the house that my mother grew up in. It's the house that my sister and I spent countless weekends sleeping over at. Two of the people that formed who I was, spent their lives loving each other and their family there. I look back and I think about the nights that Nana would make me a Cheesecake and sit down and teach me card games and board games. She taught me to play piano in their living room. Grandaddy would let me help do things around the house, teaching me the little things that can keep a house running. We would sit in their bedroom, they in their chairs and me curled up on their bed, and watch The Dukes of Hazard and Dallas. They would pop popcorn and let me snack while we watched the TV. During the day, Kim and I would run around in the backyard and play in the playhouse out back. Christmas mornings we would pack up our toys and head over to their house to spend the rest of the day. On Thanksgiving and Easter I always knew there would be a feast prepared for us. That only begins to convey how much I love that house.

Grandaddy passed away five years ago and Nana went in a nursing home. They left the house to my mother and she rented it out to a very close family friend, Pat. Pat is like a second mother to me. She was a constant in my life as far back as I can remember and further. When I say that she is a second mother to me, this is not something I take lightly. She was a very strong influence in my life.

This past week I asked Pat if she would mind moving out of my grandparents house so that I may purchase it from mom. I feel so bad for displacing Pat from her home. I know that she was settled and happy living in that house. I know that it is going to be difficult for her to locate a new place and resettle somewhere else. I hate doing this to her, but I believe that she understands my complete love for that house. She knows that I want to keep that house in the family and that I would like to restore the house and raise a family there.

I am afraid that some people will be mad at me concerning this. I know that some will think that this was a house of convenience. They will think that I am getting this house for free, and that it is merely a convenient place for me to rest my head. They are the furthest from right that they can be. I feel terrible about displacing Pat. I will be paying on not only this mortgage, but also the mortgage on the house in Atlanta, until it sells. I am coming into this with next to no furniture. I will have to work hard to get the house back to where I want it. I am dealing with the issues my separation from Emily. So, if anyone out there wants to feel angry or disgruntled with me please know that I do not begrudge you the right to feel the way you do, but know that this is not a situation of convenience. Instead it is a situation of pain and love. Please also know that I would rather you call me up and talk to me about it rather than not tell me and let it fester.

Thank you Pat for your understanding and love.
Thank you Mom for allowing me to purchase this house from you.
Thank you Kim for listening and understanding my need for this house.
Thank you Nana, Grandaddy, Mama and Papa for loving me and teaching me so much.
Thank you for reading this...

Why?

Anyone who use to read this blog from time to time will notice that the name has changed and I have deleted the post that explained why it was called "The Inane Ramblings of a Deviated Mind". I deleted the explanation because I do not fell that it served any further purpose to this blog. So why the name change? In the past year my perspective on my words, thoughts and actions have been changing significantly. I am coming to understand that our thoughts, words and actions form the world around us. I no longer feel that my words are inane... they are the foundation of my world. I no longer feel that my thoughts are rambling... they are direct in their purpose of my personal growth. I do still feel that my mind is deviated though (in a good way). I deviate from the standards of what we are told to believe about life and religion, while trying to find my own path. I hope that someone can get something from where this journey takes me, and I hope that I can share ideas with others who are finding their own path.

Letter.

Dear Rodney,

So… who is this Christoph person? Chris? Christopher? Kristoff? Khoast? Tristen? Orman? So many names that I have gone by and only a few of them the name you gave me. I’ve gone by my fair share of names over the years and for a long time I wasn’t even sure of whom I was. I wandered for years after your death, trying to identify who was this child that you had left behind. Left behind. What a cruel way to look at things Dad. Yet, that’s how I thought of it for a long time after you died. I knew it wasn’t your fault, but I felt like I had been left behind.

Do you know how angry I was with you when I last saw you? It was such a simple matter and not worth the anger that I spat at you. The sound of that Black Dodge’s slamming door, after the angry words we exchanged, would come to haunt me for years to come. Yet that was nothing in comparison to the horrible thoughts and words that came from my mouth in the two weeks before you passed away.

I was on a Christian retreat during the last two weeks of your precious time with us. I had studied for months on how to run a Bible Camp for under privileged children. It felt so good touching the hearts of those young children. I felt a real connection to them, as I know they felt it with me. We brought Christ to their hearts and they brought compassion and love to ours. One of the children made me a special salvation bracelet that I wore the rest of my time on the retreat. I couldn’t believe how much a small bracelet made of multicolored plastic and a leather string could mean to me.

I was so mad at you on that trip. I spoke such harsh words about you. I doubted things about you that should have never been in doubt. Yet, I was a child of only fifteen at the time and it was in my nature to rebel and rail against the boundaries. I don’t blame myself now for what I said, but it took me a long time to get to this point.

There are a few days in your life that you will never forget and for me the day I got home from that retreat is one that will stay in my heart until the day I die. Richard picked me up from the church the moment that my foot landed off the van. I could feel a fear that I could not explain sweeping over my soul, this was not right. As we pulled into the driveway I could feel the sands of a thousand beaches fill my legs. The weight was too much to hold. I stood at that door as it swung open, not sure which two family members would be standing there. I don’t remember a word being spoken for as soon as I saw Kim and Mom standing there I knew I had lost my father. My scream and howl is all that I remember as I crashed to the floor.

I can’t remember anything after that until I was standing by your casket, looking at the body your soul had left behind. I knew you weren’t in there, but I knew you were nearby. I did something I have no recollection of ever doing in your life time when I bent over and kissed your cheek. No one had warned me that you would be so cold. I reached down and tucked my salvation bracelet into your hands. I buried more than my father that day.

In the years to come Kristoff fought with a destructive rage that would lash out at anything and anyone in his path, including himself. I sought solace in drugs and alcohol. I threw fists through walls. I sliced blades across my skin to try to find a physical pain that would take away my emotional pain. I rejected faith as a pointless system of arbitrary laws to control the masses and deaden us into sheep. I hated everything, and took joy in nothing.

Khoast was on a steady decline from fifteen to twenty-one. I pushed anyone who cared about me away, and it wasn’t until someone I truly cared about pushed me away that I began to look at myself. I may not agree with why she pushed me away, but it made me truly look at every aspect of my life to that point. I was grasping at straws. I had no respect for myself, I had no love for others and I had totally rejected the divine.

I began to look at myself and realize that things had to change. I started to devour faith like never before. I had always been interested in religion and had always studied them. Yet until this point I looked at them as a scientist looks through a microscope. I had been trying to find their holes and their flaws. What kept them together and what would make them fall apart? Now I began to see them for what they were. I remember feeling my faith coming back to me, yet different than I had ever felt it before.

So… who is this Christoph person? He is a person who has found his way. I have learned that compassion is the meaning of life. I have learned that the divine has many names and many aspects and it doesn’t care what names we put to it. The thing that matters most is that we love each other and have compassion in our hearts. I don’t claim to have it all together, nor do I claim that I ever will. What I do know is that in my loss of you I have become the man I am today and that man is an echo of you.

The anger is washing from my soul, the loss will always sting and my love will eternally grow.

I love you. I miss you. I know you are here watching over your family.

Love,
Me