"O' Alas! Alas! Fortunate Child of Buddha Nature,
do not be opressed by the forces of ignorance and delusion,
but rise up now with resolve and courage!
Entranced by ignorance, from beginingless time until now,
you have had more than enough time to sleep!
So do not slumber any longer, but strive after virtue
with body, speech and mind!"
I have been surrounded by the oppression of my own insecurities. Ignorance and delusion have fooled me in to believing less in my self. They have tricked me into believing that I am worth less than the others around me. They have guided me into accepting that I had to stand back for those that could do better than I. They have pushed me into the corner so I could watch life go by. In truth, they are I and I have allowed I to do this to myself. I am a sleeper awakening. I will not allow my self to slumber in the bliss of ignorance any longer.
Divine, please grant me compassion. Not only for those who surround me, but also compassion for myself.
Monday, April 28, 2008
Thursday, April 10, 2008
Make It Rain...
"I have no Pride, I have no Shame, you've got to make it Rain" - Make it Rain - Tom Waits
My tears fall like rain, saturating my soul with their release...
Tom says so much here that touches me. Truly there are times in our lives where we have to make it rain. We have to let the tears wash over us an cleanse our souls.
"Without her love, Without your kiss,
Hell can't burn me, More than this.
I'm burning up with all this pain.
Put out the fire, Make it rain!"
When we feel great pain in our lives, whether it be loss, scorn, or any other emotional scar and it feels like the most excrutiating pain in the world. We can think that even Hell can not feel as awful as this. We are stuck letting that pain sweep over our hearts and burn it to ashes. In these moments if we can let the rain fall from not only our eyes, but also from our soul, it can free you from the pain and extinguish the flame in your heart.
My tears fall like rain, saturating my soul with their release...
Tom says so much here that touches me. Truly there are times in our lives where we have to make it rain. We have to let the tears wash over us an cleanse our souls.
"Without her love, Without your kiss,
Hell can't burn me, More than this.
I'm burning up with all this pain.
Put out the fire, Make it rain!"
When we feel great pain in our lives, whether it be loss, scorn, or any other emotional scar and it feels like the most excrutiating pain in the world. We can think that even Hell can not feel as awful as this. We are stuck letting that pain sweep over our hearts and burn it to ashes. In these moments if we can let the rain fall from not only our eyes, but also from our soul, it can free you from the pain and extinguish the flame in your heart.
Tuesday, April 8, 2008
Home.
I am having one of those weeks. I am feeling lost and ungrounded. For those who don't know, I have been looking at purchasing my grandparents house from my mom.
First let me tell you about my grandparents house. It is a small two bedroom, one bath cottage style house. I would be very surprised if it has more than 1,200 square feet, if that. Due to the general state of disrepair it is in, it is going to take some TLC to bring it to where I would like it to be. It will need a new HVAC system and some structural touch ups. I am thinking of completely remodeling the kitchen so that it flows with the house better, and conveys my desire to entertain. It is going to be a long hard road to bring the house up to the state that I want it to be in. So why am I so interested in that house? Sounds like it is going to be a lot more work than I have ever expended on a material object.
I love that house. My emotional ties to that house run deeper than I can express in words. It's the house that my mother grew up in. It's the house that my sister and I spent countless weekends sleeping over at. Two of the people that formed who I was, spent their lives loving each other and their family there. I look back and I think about the nights that Nana would make me a Cheesecake and sit down and teach me card games and board games. She taught me to play piano in their living room. Grandaddy would let me help do things around the house, teaching me the little things that can keep a house running. We would sit in their bedroom, they in their chairs and me curled up on their bed, and watch The Dukes of Hazard and Dallas. They would pop popcorn and let me snack while we watched the TV. During the day, Kim and I would run around in the backyard and play in the playhouse out back. Christmas mornings we would pack up our toys and head over to their house to spend the rest of the day. On Thanksgiving and Easter I always knew there would be a feast prepared for us. That only begins to convey how much I love that house.
Grandaddy passed away five years ago and Nana went in a nursing home. They left the house to my mother and she rented it out to a very close family friend, Pat. Pat is like a second mother to me. She was a constant in my life as far back as I can remember and further. When I say that she is a second mother to me, this is not something I take lightly. She was a very strong influence in my life.
This past week I asked Pat if she would mind moving out of my grandparents house so that I may purchase it from mom. I feel so bad for displacing Pat from her home. I know that she was settled and happy living in that house. I know that it is going to be difficult for her to locate a new place and resettle somewhere else. I hate doing this to her, but I believe that she understands my complete love for that house. She knows that I want to keep that house in the family and that I would like to restore the house and raise a family there.
I am afraid that some people will be mad at me concerning this. I know that some will think that this was a house of convenience. They will think that I am getting this house for free, and that it is merely a convenient place for me to rest my head. They are the furthest from right that they can be. I feel terrible about displacing Pat. I will be paying on not only this mortgage, but also the mortgage on the house in Atlanta, until it sells. I am coming into this with next to no furniture. I will have to work hard to get the house back to where I want it. I am dealing with the issues my separation from Emily. So, if anyone out there wants to feel angry or disgruntled with me please know that I do not begrudge you the right to feel the way you do, but know that this is not a situation of convenience. Instead it is a situation of pain and love. Please also know that I would rather you call me up and talk to me about it rather than not tell me and let it fester.
Thank you Pat for your understanding and love.
Thank you Mom for allowing me to purchase this house from you.
Thank you Kim for listening and understanding my need for this house.
Thank you Nana, Grandaddy, Mama and Papa for loving me and teaching me so much.
Thank you for reading this...
First let me tell you about my grandparents house. It is a small two bedroom, one bath cottage style house. I would be very surprised if it has more than 1,200 square feet, if that. Due to the general state of disrepair it is in, it is going to take some TLC to bring it to where I would like it to be. It will need a new HVAC system and some structural touch ups. I am thinking of completely remodeling the kitchen so that it flows with the house better, and conveys my desire to entertain. It is going to be a long hard road to bring the house up to the state that I want it to be in. So why am I so interested in that house? Sounds like it is going to be a lot more work than I have ever expended on a material object.
I love that house. My emotional ties to that house run deeper than I can express in words. It's the house that my mother grew up in. It's the house that my sister and I spent countless weekends sleeping over at. Two of the people that formed who I was, spent their lives loving each other and their family there. I look back and I think about the nights that Nana would make me a Cheesecake and sit down and teach me card games and board games. She taught me to play piano in their living room. Grandaddy would let me help do things around the house, teaching me the little things that can keep a house running. We would sit in their bedroom, they in their chairs and me curled up on their bed, and watch The Dukes of Hazard and Dallas. They would pop popcorn and let me snack while we watched the TV. During the day, Kim and I would run around in the backyard and play in the playhouse out back. Christmas mornings we would pack up our toys and head over to their house to spend the rest of the day. On Thanksgiving and Easter I always knew there would be a feast prepared for us. That only begins to convey how much I love that house.
Grandaddy passed away five years ago and Nana went in a nursing home. They left the house to my mother and she rented it out to a very close family friend, Pat. Pat is like a second mother to me. She was a constant in my life as far back as I can remember and further. When I say that she is a second mother to me, this is not something I take lightly. She was a very strong influence in my life.
This past week I asked Pat if she would mind moving out of my grandparents house so that I may purchase it from mom. I feel so bad for displacing Pat from her home. I know that she was settled and happy living in that house. I know that it is going to be difficult for her to locate a new place and resettle somewhere else. I hate doing this to her, but I believe that she understands my complete love for that house. She knows that I want to keep that house in the family and that I would like to restore the house and raise a family there.
I am afraid that some people will be mad at me concerning this. I know that some will think that this was a house of convenience. They will think that I am getting this house for free, and that it is merely a convenient place for me to rest my head. They are the furthest from right that they can be. I feel terrible about displacing Pat. I will be paying on not only this mortgage, but also the mortgage on the house in Atlanta, until it sells. I am coming into this with next to no furniture. I will have to work hard to get the house back to where I want it. I am dealing with the issues my separation from Emily. So, if anyone out there wants to feel angry or disgruntled with me please know that I do not begrudge you the right to feel the way you do, but know that this is not a situation of convenience. Instead it is a situation of pain and love. Please also know that I would rather you call me up and talk to me about it rather than not tell me and let it fester.
Thank you Pat for your understanding and love.
Thank you Mom for allowing me to purchase this house from you.
Thank you Kim for listening and understanding my need for this house.
Thank you Nana, Grandaddy, Mama and Papa for loving me and teaching me so much.
Thank you for reading this...
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